How to heal from narcissistic abuse will take some time. Any type of abuse has a scale of severity and magnitude of actions. These actions can vary depending on the role the narcissist took in your life. Recovering from abuse can be a simple and short process. There is a clear path to moving beyond this narcissistic abuse for good.
It’s true that narcissists are abusive and its true that you were a victim. But now what? Is accepting the toxicity and leaving to only find yourself in another toxic situation the next time as good as it gets?
A process for how to heal narcissistic abuse
This article provides insights into narcissism and how to heal and develop core strengths to end the abusive cycle. As they say, there are two sides to every story, well here at Amuarta, there are three. It’s not just about your side of the story but the 110% truth of your side that you can own and take control over.
Narcissism uses vary in modern conversations. Words evolve to modern meaning and use. Popularized terms lose succinctness. More users of the terms waters down the meaning. Person to person the term “narcissist” and it’s variants (narcissism…etc) takes on a way to validate and point out toxicity. The term represents a way to feel justified in the face of injustice and for good reason.
Part 1 will create understanding of the origins of narcissism. The evolution of narcissism will create clarity in assessing and communicating the abuse.
- Ancient Teachings of Narcissism
- Modern Narcissism
- Healing Narcissism
- Evolution of the Term
- Bully Victim Flip Flop
- Control
How to heal from narcissistic abuse is two fold. First, you will build knowledge to assess the level of abuse and crime that a narcissist has committed. Second, you will heal the trauma and grief internally. Amuarta looks to ancient technologies and wisdom, the latest science, and personal experience. Surprisingly, this process doesn’t take years of recounting the story over and over but addressing the situation with 110% truth.
Part 1 will cover knowledge about narcissism for you to begin assessing the scale of abuse you have experienced. The knowledge is to create perspective and to create a baseline of the terms and language involved. Clear communication is necessary where there is a desire to navigate healing more quickly.
Ancient Teachings on Narcissism
Narcissism has a spectrum like any other personality trait or action. An old fable about a man named Narcissus and a woman named Echo is where to start. Narcissus is a good-looking young man who falls in love with a reflection of himself, and Echo is a nymph who falls in love with Narcissus. Echo also loves to talk, and because what she says annoyed a god, the god curses her, and she can only speak the last words.
One day, Narcissus falls in love with his reflection in the water, not realizing it’s just a reflection. He calls out, “Is anyone here?” Echo replies, “Here.” Narcissus says, “Let’s meet.” Echo echoes, “Let’s meet.” Narcissus responds appalled when Echo throws her arms around him.
Remember he is very good looking, has brushed off and dismissed many suitors, and, well, fallen in love with his reflection. He brushes Echo off of him and this leaves Echo heartbroken and confused. He called for us to meet, she thinks. You came to me and asked if anyone was there. She returns to her hiding and waits for someone else to come along.
You see where this is going. In the end, Narcissus wastes away at the pond’s edge, enchanted by his reflection, and Echo fades until only her voice remains.
Modern Narcissism
Narcissus has self-absorbed and dismissive personality traits. Unlike today’s narcissists, his story doesn’t show severe traits. Modern narcissist traits are more than misunderstanding and self-absorption.
A modern Narcissus would keep lying to Echo. Modern narcissists are predatory and won’t reveal who’s there, instead seeking traits they can control. They don’t ignore people like Echo. They manipulate them. This manipulation creates the impression of interest to string along the victim.
Narcissism was first used in a psychological context by Havelock Ellis in 1898 and described self-admiration. Again early use lacks the level of manipulative behavior associated in modern times.
The modern term narcissist is used to describe a low-level psychopath. This person is self-absorbed, lies to others, and hurts those around them to thrive. It’s the only way they know and feel safe doing so.
The story of Narcissus would fall to the far-left end of the spectrum of modern-day usage if at all. Someone who is notedly self-absorbed and dismissive of people’s feelings and who’s behavior is rude to a point that they can not have relationships.
Recent Theories on Narcissism
Freud expanded on the idea of narcissism and helped to popularize the term in the two distinct ways below.
Primary Narcissism: A natural and essential part of early childhood development, where the child’s libido is directed inward.
Secondary Narcissism: A redirection of libido back onto the self, which can occur later in life and may contribute to various psychological conditions if excessive.
Healing needs to evolve as to a point of narcissism has evolved.
Karen Horney (I hope we all see the irony here) was Freud’s colleague and criticized Freud’s work on narcissism and other theories. Horney’s main contribution to narcissism is said to be the perspective that there are social and cultural factors that influence psychological growth. In her theories, narcissistic traits could arise from feelings of insecurity and helplessness rather than just being a result of innate developmental stages.
How to heal narcissistic abuse is the same regardless of the psychological understanding but it helps to create good perspectives to work with during the grieving process.
The Evolution of the term Narcissus
So Narcissus and narcissism were first used in ways to describe very self-absorbed people. To a point, that began to become disruptive in building relationships with people and was a trait that was undesirable for its dismissiveness of other people and large inward focus.
Psychologic began to expand on the terms and their use. Expanding the notions of libido (or desire and interest) in ones own self. Further theorizing that these personality traits developed during natural stages of human growth. And was later argued that these personality traits could actually be influenced by human experiences as a whole and from societal or collective interactions.
Now, the term is used in a way to describe a low-level psychopath who, yes, is self-absorbed but goes further than just dismissing people and maintaining a self interest. The term dances on the low end of psychopathy describing someone who’s main tool is lying and chaos to keep honest people strung along and confused for the narcissist’s success.
The Narcissistic Game of Bully Victim Flopping
As people look for red flags and narcissists, they find themselves trapped in a bully-victim style of game.
Your reality and personal qualifications are getting bullied and denied to you. Then, the day when you finally stand up for yourself, here comes the Narcissistic flopping into victim mode (there is something childish here like how a child would try to get away with bad behavior). The narcissist took that one snapshot in time when their emotional manipulation worked, and you had to speak their language to stand up for yourself. Now look how mean YOU are, and the cycle repeats.
This is the modern narcissist, and they will weave a web of lies to cover up any reason you should have been so mean to them to make you look like the bully. Once they are done destroying your image to everyone else. They will go on to the next person. It is not a matter of if but when. Because it is the only way they know how to succeed and feel safe, personal reality, and the truth about themselves they cannot handle.
This modern narcissist still holds the self-absorbed nature of the early uses of the word but expands into an area of gaslighting and psychopathy that is far more manipulative and destructive than the first origins of Narcissus.
They are manipulative and physiologically if not physically abusive.
The Narcissist hates someone they can’t control
Standing up to abuse doesn’t make you a narcissist. Standing up to abuse is not you being narcissistic. It is you responding appropriately to the chaos that the narcissist has created. Remember they create chaos because it creates confusion in people. It creates confusion and a separation of people in teams and this is where they thrive. Controlling people for their own gain. Enjoying the separation, chaos, and lies, because they don’t care about the results or state of anything but themselves. Standing up for narcissistic abuse is not your freaking out. It is not you being a mean bully and irrational. You are responding normally to unethical and often criminal behavior committed against you. It is the point when you become harder to control.
Part two of this article is on the way this week and will take a closer look at how to heal narcissistic abuse. I’m also working on publishing the process to heal the suppressed desire from narcissistic abuse.
And for some other similar articles in this area see immediately below:
Resources
Dr. Ramani breaks down narcissism and psychopathy with great clarity and a level of conviction and authority that comes from first hand experiences.